How to Win a Fight With Richie Incognito: A Guide For the Hopelessly Screwed


If there's one thing we can say with certainty about the whole Miami Dolphins locker room fiasco, it's that Richie Incognito is an unbalanced psychopath who has bullied or assaulted more Floridians than Hurricane Andrew. If you encounter Incognito, and piss him off - and you will piss him off - you're almost certain to catch a beating. This is a bad thing that should be avoided at all costs, for example, by immediately moving out of the State of Florida if you live there (a move that was, quite frankly, long overdue). But if you simply cannot avoid Incognito, you'll need a good strategy to overcome a mentally unstable professional athlete who beats up 300 lb professional athletes for a living.

  • Run. No, seriously, run. Like the wind. Get out of there. A bruised ego heals quicker than a bruised spleen.
  • RUUUUUUNNNNN! Why are you still standing here? Have you looked at that guy? He's a beast. You have no prayer and, even if you did, it's not going to be answered: pride and suicide are both sins.
  • Quickly Assess Your Arsenal. Guh. You can't help some people. Okay, so you're going to make a stand. Whoo hoo. Good for you. But I hope you brought some help, and the right kind of help. Do you remember the scene in Blazing Saddles where Gene Wilder tells Cleavon Little not to shoot Mongo because "if you shoot him, you'll only make him mad"? Well, there's some truth in that. Pulling out a weapon without the intent to use it (or worse, using it without disabling your attacker) is going to greatly inflame the situation. There are basically two things you might consider using in this situation: pepper spray or a TASER. And when I say TASER, I mean TASER - something you can shoot at him from 20 feet away - not a stun gun which would require you to get way too close to Incognito to use it. Either of those has a decent chance of briefly slowing him down. They aren't going to stop him, mind you, but they'll buy you a few seconds to allow you to reconsider my first bit of advice and split. That's it. Anything else is likely to either (a) piss him off more or (b) be misappropriated by Incognito and used against you. Unless you happen to be carrying an exploding candygram.

  • Elude, Elude, Elude. No means of escape and nothing to defend yourself? Okay, it's time to channel Floyd Mayweather. You need to be the matador and tire out the charging bull. Remember, Incognito is 6'3", 320 lbs of pure muscle and you are 155 lbs of schlub. Make your puniness your advantage. Back up slowly, making sure you leave yourself plenty of room to move in all directions, and let him get just close enough to throw a wild punch before you dart away. Remember how Homer Simpson used to win boxing matches by tiring his opponents out? Congratulations, a dated cartoon reference is now your guide to survival.

  • Counterpunch to the Nose. When I boxed, we were trained to target the side of our opponent's jaw. The human neck is designed to move quickly back and forth, but not side to side, and a punch to the chin with lateral movement will cause the brain to smack off the side of the skull and torque the brainstem to such an extent that your opponent will likely be knocked unconscious. But not when your opponent is Richie Incognito. Look at that dude's neck. It will absorb your punches with dismissive indifference. No, your target is the nose. Why the nose? Well, sure, because it hurts. But more importantly, because it's easy to break on everyone. You can't build up nose muscles to help you absorb the force of a punch. And when the nose breaks, it bleeds. Sometimes, it bleeds a lot. That's going to bother an already-winded big guy. Will it knock him out? No. But remember, your goal is to escape alive here. So, the next time you've baited Incognito into throwing a wild haymaker, you'll dodge it and then land the shortest possible punch to his nose. That's probably a quick straight jab. Do NOT wind up and throw a haymaker back. You'll probably miss, and you'll give him time to recover from his miss and, I don't know, kill you. You're just going to pop him on the nose and then go back to being Floyd Mayweather immediately.
  • If He Gets You, Go Down and Ball Up. Yeah, there's no glory in that for you, but there's also limited glory in it for him to kick a cowering man who's balled up on the ground, possibly soiling himself. Balling up not only sends an unambiguous symbol of submission to him that should end the fight, it will protect you from the most damaging shots he might get you with.
  • Run. Remember where we started? As soon as the storm subsides, get the hell out of there.

Finally, and most importantly, if you're ever confronted by a raging Richie Incognito, do yourself a big favor and don't rely on anything you read on the internet to defend yourself. Just get the hell out of there, buddy.